Τετάρτη, 16 Μαρτίου 2011

How to tell if your boyfriend is the Antichrist

* το βιβλίο μπορείς να το βρείς [εδώ]

How to tell if your boyfriend is...

The Antichrist:
  • Never says "God bless you" when you sneeze
  • Unmoved by WWJD (What Would Jesus Do)
  • Drives an SUV with a fish bumper sticker
  • Doesn't recycle
  • Is self-conscious about his cloven hooves

  • Your water bill has increased 400 percent since he moved in
  • Your face is chaved where he kissed you good-bye eighty-seven times
  • He has to clap ten times and touch his nose before he can have an orgasm

A closeted homosexual
  • Has a gym buddy
  • Keeps stealing the Abercombie catalog
  • Watches Meg Ryan movies with you instead of the play-offs
  • Is content to cuddle most nights, because he had sex at a rest stop on the way home

Suffering from amnesia:
  • Suprisingly little baggage
  • Simple name (i.e. Bob Spoon, Jack Jackson)
  • You found him wandering the streets with a bandage on his head
  • Honestly perplexed about the origin of his tattoo
  • Doesn't think he's ever loved like this before

A pimp:
  • You met him at the bus station the day you arrived from Kansas
  • Thinks high school is for suckers, too
  • Asks you to stop at the drugstore to pick up some roofies on the way home

Actually twins:
  • Changes his mind a lot
  • That freckle keeps moving
  • Sometimes he looks five minutes older

An extraterrestrial:
  • It's easy to get lost in his large, soulful eyes
  • You can't seem to remember what you do with him, although you spend large chunks of time together
  • Anally probed you on the first date

A commitment-phobe:
  • Longs for his carnie days
  • Introduces you as his "current" girlfriend
  • Loses his erection when that diamond commercial comes on
  • No tattoos or piercings of any kind
  • He's working as a temp, for now

A total bastard:
  • Asks you to watch his kids while he takes out his other girlfriend
  • Argues that it's not his fault he wrecked your car, because he was drunk
  • Thinks you do look fat in those jeans
  • Tells you to call him when you're not "on the rag"
  • Strangled your puppy when you forgot to pick up his smokes

Suffering from ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder):
  • You've trained yourself to come in thirty seconds or less
  • Constantly reintroduces himself to your friends
  • 486 exes, approximately
  • Wishes he had time for a microwave burrito

A serial killer:
  • Your cat has some unexplained injuries
  • After your first night together, your breath smells of chloroform
  • Cuts up your In Style to compose manifestos
  • You always have to take your car, because his has no passenger seat

A kleptomaniac:
  • Tries to pass off the store sensor on his shirt as an oversized cufflink
  • Won't let you wear your birthday present to his sister's house
  • Has several monogrammed towels, but they're not the same monograms
  • Wishes he could keep on top of the clutter at his place

A robot:
  • Never loses his temper
  • The sex is, well, a little mechanical
  • You can tell him anything, because he's so nonjudgmental
  • Cold hands and feet

22 σχόλια:

  1. How to tell if your boyfriend is Invictus:

    - Takes pictures of every weird thing you see when you are together
    - Is always on the laptop looking at things or looking for things
    - Posts a lot on his blog all day and night
    - He seems to know bizarre facts such as statistics on how many hair you can find in your food and how much gas you breath in from other people!

  2. Sometimes he looks five minutes older


  3. she
    axaxaxa! kalo. alla exo aporia tin opia apaito parauta na mou exigisis amesos. giati o exoginos na se kani anally prob?? a? a? as poume oulloi oi alloi en theloun? afou en vitsio sas esas tous antres. ennen??

  4. @Rania
    χαχαχαχα τζι εγώ αγαπώ σε!

  5. @Sike
    Τζι εγώ εν με τζίνον που εσπούρτησα

  6. @she demon
    Πολύ φοβούμαι ότι δεν μπορώ να σου λύσω πάραυτα την απορία σου. Δεν είναι δικές μου επινοήσεις οι εν λόγω "λίστες", εγώ απλά εμετάφερα αποσπάσματα που το βιβλίο.
    Μπορώ να προσπαθήσω όμως να μπω στο σκεπτικό της συγγραφέως και να υποθέσω ότι τους θεωρεί εξωγήινους επειδή π.χ. πετυχαίνουν το "βίτσιο" τους παρά τη θέληση της γκόμενας και χωρίς η ίδια να έχει πρόβλημα μετα; Λέμε τώρα...

    Και τί σημαίνει εν αντρικό βίτσιο; Εν έshει γενέτζαις που τα...τραβά ο κώλος τους (literally)? χαχαχα

  7. alla apogoiteukoume pou en ixeris tin apantisi..ts ts ts

  8. @she demon
    Ε την απάντηση να μας την πεις εσύ που είσαι τζαι βιτσιόζα χαχαχα

  9. arkopses pou exo rantevou me enan exogiono na rotiso na matho...na lisoume kai tin aporia tou kosmou

  10. re friend kapou dame egine x-rated i kouventa mas. kapos etsi xekinoun tze oi fimes tze oi kakes glosses oti exo vitsia imish. pios ego??
    tha ton rotiso mono tze na fio. ama do kanena plokami, xeri, podi, kladi , poulli (den xero ti tha protaxi o exogiinos) tha sikosto na fio parauta na glitoso to probing. xaxaxaxa

  11. @she demon
    Μα εγώ φρέντ προειδοποιώ σε για να έshεις τον νου σου! Είδες τί λαλούν για τους extraterrestrials χαχαχα
    Καλού-κακού, πάρε τζαι την Άνκρη μαζί σου. Εννα κατουρήσει σησαμόλαον ο Ε.Τ.

  12. axaxaxa. Kalooooooo. En na ton kami na men theli na xanadi thiliko mprosta tou!! H Ankri!

  13. ε θα πω τίποτε. ξέρετε την άποψη μου για τούτους τους δκυο.

  14. @Mana
    Ατού ο Γαβρίλης!
    Επίσημη δήλωση: αν γνωρίζω προσωπικά την she demon να μου καεί η σύνδεση τζαι να μεν μπορέσω να ξανακάμω ανάρτηση!

  15. Όταν εδκιάβασα τον τίτλο ενόμιζα εννοούσες τον φίλτατο Anti-Christos κι εβούρησα να δκιαβάσω τι θέλει να πει ο ποιητής!! :)))

  16. @Joy Tears
    Αν πώ τίποτε άσχημο για τον Anti-Christo μπορεί να shήσουμεν τα κλατσό μας ύστερα τζαι να ναυαγήσει το show με τον Τζαμτζή! Εν μπορώ να πάρω έτσι ρίσκο

  17. Πείτε ρε, θάψετε με, βγάλτε όλο σας το δηλητήριο. Όπως και να έχει, το σόου θα το κάνουμε!

  18. Ρε παιδκιά..μα ποιός εν ο Τζαμτζής? Έχει που τα προχτές που το έχω απορία!


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